The Duck Face

Holy crap!  Everywhere I look, no matter what social media site I'm on, all I see are tweens, teens, and even grown freakin women pouting their lips and sticking out their asses.  What is with this new phenomenon?  Doesn't anyone realize how incredibly REDICULIOUS they look?  Let me just walk to the closest bathroom and pose like Daffy Duck in front of the mirror (please, ignore the toilet in the background)!

Sorry to offend, if you're one of the thousands, maybe even millions, that think making yourself look like a quacking cartoon character is hot, but I can no longer hold my tongue.  I have a daughter, and I would NEVER, I repeat NEVER, allow her to disgrace herself in such a way.  I get it, all the hype about wanting guys to want you, and thinking that you look all "smexy"  or whatever it is that you call it.  But there is a difference between "sexy" and "trashy" and unfortunely the lines seem to be severely blurred.  I don't want someone thinking that my daughter is available for some sort of activities that can be done in a "rent by the hour" motel room.  And well thats just what all these skanky little photo's are implying.

Just to get it straight, I am in no way saying that all of you who pose this way ARE skanky.....but you know what they say about first impressions.  You could be the most upstanding, God fearing, church going, elder respecting, purest little person on the planet....but with a "Duck Face" on your facebook page, you are looked at as a slut bag, attention hungry, whore. If you just freakin smiled, stepped out of the bathroom,  and covered up your goods, you would be seen as the beautiful person that we all know is behind the duck bill.  Look, I'm sure some guys find it attractive, but not because they thinking "Now there is a girl I want a relationship with."  It is more like "Now there's a girl I can screw until I find a nice girl I want a relationship with."  Please, tell if I'm wrong gentlemen.

So now you could be in total agreement with me, not caring one way or the other, or maybe even thinking "wow, what a jealous bitch" but what ever it is, it is.  I'm just here to vent and remind all you ducklings out there that one day your generation will be running the world, and thats pretty damn scarey.

Out of the Mouths of Babes...Most Teenagers....and Some Adults

In my house we sometimes swear.  Not to be crude, or inappropriate, or to sound like an ex-navel officer turned trucker, it just seems to fly out every now and then, before it can be caught and all those very offensive little "hells", "shits", and "fucks" can be turned into "hecks", "shoots" and "fiddlesticks".

Once while driving the kids around I did manage to catch myself, well almost, and shouted out "fuckadoodledoo" when I missed my turn.  So then I had my daughter saying "Mom, whats fuckadoodledoo mean?" and then my son just saying "duckadoodoo", "duckadoodoo" over and over again. So I really can't be surprised when I hear profanity spontaneously fly out of my kids mouths.  Sometimes I even have to stifle my laughter at their use of it.  Like when my husband was reprimanding our youngest, who was then 3, and yelled out in frustration "Luke, if you don't start behaving, I'm going to spank your ass!"  To which he burst into tears and started yelling "Mommy, Daddy gonna spank my asshole!"

My daughter who is 5, is what I call a "closet curser".  She's old enough to know its wrong so she doesn't really swear around adults.  But every now and then I hear her playing with her brothers and "dam" or "oh shit" fly out of her mouth.  So of course I have to play the bad guy and remind her that those are bold words and kids can't use them, and adults aren't suppose to say them, but they do sometimes when they are mad or forgetful.

Then there is my stepson who is the oldest at 8.  He just has me baffled.  I don't think he understands that phrases he uses with his friends at school are not appropriate for everyday conversation, let alone while sitting in Taco Bell with your family.  So when he told his little sister to go "suck it" (very loudly, I might add) and I asked him to repeat what he just said in that tone that you know you said something inappropriate so you shouldn't say it again, but he repeated "suck it" with out batting an eye. That was one of those moments in life when you kinda want to smack your child but of course that is not only frowned upon, but illegal. So I had to settle for yelling at him in a very stern whisper voice and telling him why he shouldn't use that phrase, and if I ever heard it out of his mouth again he would be picking soap out of his teeth for a week.  Then to have him say on the way home how much the newest video game he played yesterday sucked, so I had to ban him from using the word suck all together because he didn't know how to use it in "non-swear" form. 

Although to add a little Yin to my family's Yang, we are very big on manners and nine out of ten times we all (kids included) remember to use the correct pleasantries so I figure that sort of cancels out at least some of the bad language.  And in the future I would have to give them a few extra points if one of them ever tells me to "please" shut the fuck up, because they did say please and all, and politeness is half the battle.

The Trifecta

So a few weeks ago I was minding my own business taking my morning shower when of course I am interrupted (as it goes in a house of 5 people).  But by some act of Divine intervention it, for once, wasn't one of the kids bursting into the bathroom, swinging open the shower door, and asking "Whatcha doing Mommy?"  Which, of course has happened on several other occasions, very much to the embarrassment of myself and my 8 year old stepson who is usually within eye shot. Anyway, this time it's my husband saying we are running short on time and he needs to get in too.  Reluctantly I let him in, but only after repeatedly telling him there shall be no "touching", "canoodling", "groping" and anything thing else he can think of at such an early hour especially when, low and behold, the kids could come in at any moment.  And surprisingly enough after only one ass-grab, and three hand slaps, he is leaving me alone to finish my shower.

I stand there washing my hair, day dreaming about what it used to be like when I could have an interrupted shower, the smell of shampoo and urine in air....Wait, What?  URINE?!? My eyes fly open just in time to see the last of the vile yellow liquid swirling down the drain.  The freaking shower drain!  Right next to where I happen to be standing. I then have a quick flashback of when my sister and I used to stick our feet in the toilet as young children, so I throw up a silent prayer of thanks that my kids never tried such a thing.  Then I am once again back in the moment and staring dumbfounded at my very grown up husband who has basically just peed on me.  After telling him what a disgusting thing that was to do, and having an internal debate on whether or not I should just get out (but I really do need to finish my shower and get ready for work), I move on to the conditioner. Strike One.

After putting the conditioner in my hair, I switch places with my husband so he can rinse off, and even though obviously he just went, I'm secretly thankful to be uphill of the drain just in case he decides to go again.  Foolishly I think that I have had my disgusting moment of the morning when my darling man then starts blowing what he lovingly calls "snot rockets" into his hand.  Once again the look of complete and utter disgust is on my face and there are just no words for this moment.  What is it with men and bodily functions and their complete inability to sensor any of them, or am I the only lucky one to end up with such an open and sharing partner in life?  Strike Two.

At this point I just want out, so I shove him out of the way and I am rinsing out my hair as quick as I can when the final accost happens.  I don't know if any of you know what a "Dutch Oven" is but this is the closest I have ever come to experiencing it, and I will be forever damaged from that small point in time on.  Gagging and coughing I throw open the shower door.  At this point I am livid and calling him every kind of  "fucking this", and "fucking that" I can think of as he stands in the shower laughing.  LAUGHING!  So finally with the utmost of seriousness I ask him straight out, not even a hint of joking "What the hell is wrong with you?"  He looks me dead in the eye very gratified with himself and simply says "Thats good stuff baby, I just gave you the trifecta!"  Strike Three.